What is recovery? It’s so many things, that you could recovering from. Life is so full of things that force you to rethink things and to recover from something that has either held you back or down. Something that has broken your heart or your spirit.
Sometimes we seem to recover from one thing only to have to go back to the start again and recover all over again, from something else. It can sometimes be a never ending cycle that we can not seem to break free from.
For me i have and will always be in recovery from my alcoholism. I live in harmony with that part of my life, but i have had to do the 12 steps so many times now and not just for my addiction.
I realise now that everytime i am in recovery from something, i need to 12 step myself again and again. When i was first in early recovery i learnt about the 12 step program, but my youth and ego didnt allow me to really take to much notice. I understood it and thought i only had to do it once. How wrong i was!!!!
For the first 18 years of my recovery, i white knucked it, didn’t attend meetings. I became a marter and a narcissist at the same time. I would fall on my sword to avoid an argument, but i wanted to control everything and everyone around me. I would enter relationships wanting to only please, would manipulate the situation to keep a bad relationship going so that i wouldn’t be alone, it was a never ending cycle that lead me to have a complete mental breakdown.
In my recovery from my breakdown, i threw myself into my work, i did my service work helping the elderly and the disadvantaged, i thought that if i helped others then it would make everything OK! Once again i was wrong. It did help, it gave me perspective about life, but it didnt fill that hole that was large in my soul.
When i came back into the rooms, i layed my heart and soul on the table and started at
Step 1. I admitted that i had become powerless over my life, that i was a mess.
Step 2. I became to believe that my higher power had kicked my butt back into the rooms for a reason.
Step 3. I made peace with my higher power
Step 4. I wrote out an inventory two pages long.
Step 5. I confessed my wrongs to my higher power and my sponsor.
Step 6. Asked for my defects of character to be removed.
Step 7. Humbly asked my higher power to also remove my shortcomings
Step 8. Wrote out a list of all those i had harmed.
Step 9. I made amends with all those on my list and most importantly i made amends with myself.
Step 10. Continued taking inventory and admitting when i was wrong, but learned when it was appropriate to do so, and not when others thought i should.
Step 11. Continued to talk to and have faith in my higher power.
Step 12. Having realized that i needed to do my service work within the rooms picked up a tea towel and listened to speakers and the old timers. Held the hands of those who were in early recovery and continued to work on myself.
When i went through these steps again, i realised that these steps can be used for everything in my life. Heart break, loss, sugar addiction, and anything that i feel is holding me back.
This is what recovery is to me. The freedom to be able to live my life on lifes terms and how to be at peace. The gapping hole in my soul is nearly closed.