Spirituality is sometimes a confronting word.
What does it mean to you?
For me i believe in a higher power, but i can not quit say GOD!
When i was little, i went to Sunday school, at St Margrates church hall in my little home town. One sunday we went down to the local police station for a meet and greet, we were all horrified when one of the policemen ruffed up the sunday school teacher and threw him in the jail cell. The policeman looked at us and said “that is what happens, if you get into trouble with the law!”, to this day besides a few speeding and parking tickets i have never been in trouble with the police.
I did religious instruction in school and was taught about God and his son. In my family we were not forced to go, we only went if we wanted to.
I never understood the bible, still think some of it is rubbish, but used it to my advantage when i wrote a year 12 A paper on the Anglican female nuns who wanted to become ministers. As i needed a quote from the bible about us all being equals. The minister was very happy to help.
St Margrates church hall was were i found myself one June evening in 2013, waiting for the meeting to open. I sat outside wondering why i was there. I had been sober for 18 years by this stage and thought that i didnt need to go, but my mother had thought it was a good idea, i was struggling with being back in Victoria and she thought i could make friends with new people.
When i entered the hall it was like stepping back into time. I was five years old again. I also knew that my own father had sat in this hall for the same reason i was that night.
I made myself coffee, chattered with the other members, i had a brave shell around me, but i was terrified on the inside. I sat at the table, looked up at the 12 steps and traditions, thought to myself “i dont know if i have to that”, but really i did.
I thought about all the God words up on those banners, and thought i dont believe in God. I now know that everyone grapples with the God word when they come in to the rooms for the first time.
Just the other day, i had a friend say to me that i should change the words of the 12 steps to omit the word God and replace it with higher power, in my posts on my Facebook page. He said it was off putting. I told him that for us all in the beginning its off putting, but why change something that works.
It says a God of our understanding. For the first 18 years of my sobriety my God, my understanding was my parents. I didn’t want to disappoint or shame them again because of my addictive nature.
I think through out the years of white knuckling sobriety, i knew that there were spirits or a higher power watching over me. I could be completely desperate for something good to happen, i would be at my wits end and at the 11th hour my miracle would happen.
My gratitude would be in abundance, but then i would let myself get back to that desperate state again. My instincts were very good too. My gut usually helped guide me in the right direction. Sometimes i would make a mistake, but now i know, it was my higher power at work.
When i had my break down, i knew it had all disappeared and i felt completely lost and extremely empty. Once again my higher power and the universe were teaching me a lesson.
When i sat in St Margrates church hall and listened to the stories of the miracle that was AA, i came to believe that the was a power greater than me at work.
Do i believe its God? I dont know it could be, but then that could be because i was raised as an anglican and thats what i was taught. I have looked at different religious groups and i realise that all though they believe in a different entity, they are all praying for the same thing, PEACE AND HARMONY, for all man kind.
Our disease does not discriminate between people, regardless of their, sex, race, religion or social standing. We are the same. We have been powerless over our addictions and we have found a God or a higher power of our own understanding to help guide us through our recovery.
What ever spiritually is to you, cherish it and nourish it, to help you be where you need to be in this world.