Until i had my breakdown, food wasn’t even really a thought for me, i was extremely active and ate a balanced diet. I had a killer body too. I had an addiction to coca cola, but i now realise that was the extension of my alcoholism. It was what my alcoholism would become like if i hadn’t stopped when i did. It is a terrifying thought, that in the 20 plus years from when i gave up Alcohol, to when i realised i was drinking cola like i was a drunk person, that i hadn’t recognized my addiction properly.
I am in recovery from most things in life, i am mostly in recovery from myself and my addictive behaviour. It seems surreal that its taken nearly 45 years to realise this, life would have been so more simple if i had discovered that my addictive personality, was not only just my alcoholism, but sugar, bad relationships, (i recently discovered that i had been addicted to narcissist men, it was like a craving i couldn’t resist even though i knew it was bad for me), in my twenties. It wasn’t until i made amends with myself and had become comfortable with being single, that the right bloke came along.
My addictive personality has extended now to food, i found comfort in it, it was easy to do, even though i have guilt, shame and remorse about it. When i had my breakdown, i stopped doing all the things i loved. Rock climbing, yoga all outdoor activities. In the fog of my breakdown, i knew i should be out doing all my favourite things, but i just couldn’t do it and i just kept eating. The fatter i got the more ashamed i became, the less confidence i had. The less confidence i had the more i ate and lied to myself about it all. It was just denial.
I joined a gym when i moved to where i am now, i had tried a few different things to get myself motivated, i attened and only completed one of three 15 k obsitcal challenges. The one being in the summer and the other two being in the snow. ( I am not a big fan of the cold), but i still seemed stuck. The gym didnt seem to be working either, so i quit.
I had a rest, but life seemed to be getting harder and harder, one thing after another kept happening. I started to make small changes, kept thinking i need to go back to the gym. I knew i needed something. One day i was in the local shopping center, when i bumped into my old trainer. Lightbulb moment!!!!!!!! My higher power was talking to me. Then a friend of mine was joining up, so i thought why not. Another Lightbulb moment!!!!
I have joined the 10 week challenge at the gym and while i wont win this time, it has given me the Lightbulb moment, and the kick in the arse i needed to start seeing what i need to do.
Tonight when doing my yoga, i heard the teacher mention that we were realising the stress hormones that build up in our bodies. I have known for a long time that the stress hormones have been at play along with my over eating in causing my weight gain and preventing me from losing weight.
With that insight it has given me hope. I also had a Lightbulb moment again today, that i actually am loving doing all my yoga and Pilates, is it a new addiction?, hopefully at least its healthy and i am aware of my addiction.
I am very spiritual and believe in my higher power and that everything has a meaning hidden in what is happening in our lives. Tonight as i took my picture of yoga experiment, i realised i had purple on and purple featured heavily in my practice tonight.
I googled the meaning when i got home and this is what i came up with,
It also came up with this, it represents me perfectly.
I actually love most colors, i have never been a grey kind of person.
My tasks for today, had been to do some meditation, do some writting and to listen to more of my study.
I didn’t listen to any study, didn’t even think about it till tonight, so it must not have been important for me today.
I am doing a lot of writting right now, and it is realising my creativity, it is making feel motivated and peaceful.
I have made a point of doing meditation today. I was going to make a joke and say that i completed it, by having an extra 30 minutes sleep this morning, but thats not meditation its dreaming.
I arrived 30 minutes early for my yoga class and instead of sitting in the massage chair, i went into the yoga room, set myself up layed down in savasana, which is a pose that means i lay down on my back with my palms up and i concentrate on calming my breathing and my mind. I had brought along my eye pillow to lock out any light, so that i would be better able to concentrate, and i meditated until the teacher arrived.
I feel rejuvenated.
Tomorrow is an extremely busy day. I get to spend a couple of hours with a lady who has survived for the last 102 years. I have no need of Procrastination after visiting her, she is an amazing woman. I have to also do a lot of work in my regular job as well.
So my tasks for tomorrow, will be to.
1. Be kind to myself and others around me.
2. Eat as healthy as i can
3. Drink lots of water.
Happy Thursday. Xxx