16 more days gone, without writting anything. It’s like my creative juices have disappeared. I have thought about it everyday, but have not been able to pull myself together to actually sit down and write anything. It’s been like a memory freeze.
I was laying in bed thinking about when i started to lose focus on my writting, and i think it started about the beginning of October.
October was a busy month for me. I started my 10 week challenge, i lost someone very dear to me to alcoholism, his death caused me much grief as if it wasn’t for him, i would have not found the road to recovery of my own alcoholism as young as i was. Like anyone in grief, i wondered why he couldn’t see the light like i had. But then some find recovery in the light of heaven, instead of the light of a lightbulb moment, that turns their lives around and helps them to recover from their addiction.
I had my first hen’s night in Brisbane, followed by an epic trip across country to say goodbye to my friend and be there for the family and our daughter. It was a bittersweet journey as it was the last time that i would travel that road that i had travelled so many times before.
A journey that left Brisbane, stopping to see an old friend, before venturing into his town, where our daughter was always greeted with a hugh hug by the man she called her father and a man i cared for, because if it wasnt for him i wouldn’t have had her. Only this time as i entered his town, in the dead of night, with our love song playing one last time, i knew that our daughter wouldn’t be receiving any more hugs and that she was being very brave in dealing with his death.
I stayed to pay my respects, because deep down, behind that broken man, was a very kind and loving man, one that if push come to shove would help anyone, but didn’t know how to help himself. As i drove out of town on my way back home, that one last time i stopped out the front of his place a place that held many good and bad memories. I sat with the engine running, looking at the closed gate and knew that life wouldn’t be the same without him in it. I said a silent good bye and drove home to my present and future.
I was only home maybe a week and i got sick with the flu, which pretty much took me out for two weeks. I recovered in time to be half way through November and away for two weeks on a work trip. In the time that i had spared while on my work trip i was able to go and be with my daughter, watch her and give my love in a time that was still a time of recovery for her. I played with my grandsons, listened to their innocent laughter, and was grateful that i could be a part of their lives, now and in the future.
I had plently of time on my hands to do lots of writting, while i was away, but nothing for 18 days which is reflected in this blog. 18 days like the last 16 that feels like my creativity had dryed up. Home again, back to work, heck it’s now December. I have hardly been to the gym, but still lost 6 kilos of fat in my 10 week challenge, and i didn’t step in to the gym more than twice.
Going vegan pretty much for the two weeks while i was away, was the most productive thing i did, besides working. Maybe that helped with the weight loss? Or was it the new pills the doctor gave me, to help with my now mild depression, which is also meant to help aid weight loss.
I know i have written a little bit through the last couple of months. But i know i havent written enough. I struggle every day to actually sit down and write. It’s not even procrastination that has me at a stand still, because i am busy everyday, with work, christmas preparations, and then Christmas it’s self.
I have been on holidays for a week now, two days ago it was 42 degrees of dry unforgiving heat, that just saps you of any will of wanting to be outside in it and i sat inside on the couch with the dog under the aircon, not wanting to venture outside, watching tv, doing nothing. Not even playing on my phone, plenty of time for writting or even listening to my book, which i am finding difficult to do at the moment too!
Nothing!!!!!! Its like my creative mind was on holidays too. I reasoned with myself, said its because the kids and their kids are here at our retreat, that i have just been busy being with them, resting, sleeping in and you know RELAXING!!!!
New years has now rolled around and i am excited to finally be in 2020. This year has many ticks on my bucket list being checked off. But its irritating that i am not writting, people are asking me, why haven’t i seen any of your writting lately? I tell them, i have been busy, but really i have had writers block.
To experience writers block now, when finally i feel at peace with sharing my writting and have confidence in my abilities, to be able to have others comment on it without me feeling like i should hide it and, even though i think i need to attend a writers group, so that i can learn more about my writting, is frustrating.
I keep wondering why can i not write, what is stopping me and i wonder if those new pills the doctor gave me, are they causing a side effect to my creativity. It seems to have only really started when i started taking them.
I realise i haven’t taken any for the last couple of days, and it seems my creativity, my writting ability has come back. My imagination is open again, its a relief, to be writting to be getting everything out and on paper. To be pouring everything out that has been locked up inside.
I think i need to go back to my doctor and i need to stop taking these little creative inhibitors, and get back to my writting, my weight loss will come with dedication and time.
Just as the weight gain did. Hahahahaha
Happy 2020 everyone