Recovery is about progression and it isn’t about perfection.
I of all people should know this. I strived through out my adult life after my early recovery to make things perfect, to make sure everyone around me was happy, that i was building a life that everyone would be proud of, but really there were glimpses of it, but really it just was a house of cards.
I went on in this fantasy life for nearly two decades, before my house of cards come tumbling down and giving me severe paper cuts.
Did i achieve many things? Yes!
Did i experience a lot of good things? Yes!
Did i make a lot of mistakes? Hell yes!!!!!!
Could i have done things differently? Absolutely yes!!!!!
Those things that i could have done differently was listen to the good advice that was given to me. Worked my 12 step program properly instead of being a dry drunk and thinking like an addict.
I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, we all learn at different levels, and as part of my program i have to work on my shortcomings and defects of character. An ever evolving process.
This is one of my shortcomings, my fear of my writting of putting myself out there. Even though i do it often. My fear really gets to me sometimes.
I have for my whole adult life, been a bit of a gunnado, not always finishing everything i start, not with bad intentions, but have been easily side tracked and demotivated by negative thinking ( my own negative thinking) and comments. A lot of self doubt too.
Procrastination i now realise has been dogging me for a long time.
2020 is year that represents a lot of my dreams coming true. And in the background i am going to continue to scratch away at this procrastination problem.
One day at a time, without the expectation that i can make anything in my life absolutely perfect like i used to want it. Just learning to live life on lifes terms and not mine!