I was a dry drunk for the first 18 years of my sobriety. For those 18 years i thought like a drunk, made mistakes like a drunk, while believing that i was working my 12 step program correctly, but i was lying to myself and those around me.
When i came back into the rooms as a broken woman, and began the process of working my steps correctly, i had to learn how to stop acting like a person in full blown addiction.
I may not have picked up a drink in all those years, but i had tried to fill the void with broken relationships with men, i wanted to heal and if i did they would love me forever, but in reality i healed them enough for them to go out and find relationships with other women.
I tried drugs, shopping, food, i tried making amends with everyone and everything that had been a part of my past, my present and my future.
I was clinging onto a scrap of nothing, that i called my dignity, i was wallowing in mass self pity and loathing.
One day my mentor looked at me, after i had made another stupid mistake with a man ( because in my mind after 18 years i could master anything, because i hadn’t picked up a drink and i was now going through the steps i was ready! Stinking thinking right there folks!!!! ) and asked me if i had made amends with myself?
I looked at him with a dumb look on my face. What did he mean? I thought i was only supposed to make amends with those i had hurt.
He looked at me with a smile on his face and said “in 18 years you have said sorry enough, you have beaten yourself up about what you did in your drinking years, now its time to make amends with yourself! )
So i started the slow recovery process in making amends with myself. I think its harder to do this than it is to rehearse a speech to someone you may have upset while you were in your addiction. Looking deep into ourselves and learning to heal correctly is a daunting process.
When i finally made peace with myself, my higher power kicked in again and started showing me signs of the positivity that was my life. Doors opened, the sunshine was bright. I found not only myself but my dreams coming true again.
Now when i mentor others, in recovery i ask them if they have made amends with themselves first, before they go to others. If they say no, i ask have you made amends with your family?, if yes then i say thats the biggest hurdle and usually the first hurdle of making amends to those closet to you.
Now make amends with yourself, because you are as important as your family and everyone else you need to make amends to can be done when your in a better place within yourself.
When we truly make amends and work the steps to our best ability, our lives transform into the lives that we could only imagine and the life that our parents drempt for us when we were first born.