Tonight at my home group meeting, we had a guest speaker from our sister group al-anon. It was a sobering reminder to us, that there is so much more to our recovery, than just ourselves.
Our families and friends take the brunt of our actions. Even in recovery if we are not working our program properly, not keeping things simple and still living with an unmanageable life style, there is always consequences to our actions.
Tonight as i listened to her story, i was transported to my childhood.
I grew up in a alcoholic home, but it was one of recovery, i was not aware until i was older that when i was 5 years old, my father entered the rooms of AA and my mother the rooms of Al-anon. We called my fathers sponsor uncle as a sign of respect.
When i was a grown woman and was 18 years sober, my life had become unmanageable again, i was lost and i was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
My mother suggested that i should go to a meeting, it might help me make friends she said.
It was one of the wiser words she has spoken to me. I entered the rooms full of shame and remorse, beaten and tired.
Tonight as i listened, i realised that its our family’s who first who see our sickness, my mother had witnessed it before several times over the last 40 years and had stood tall against an illness that can not only destroy families, but take lives as well.
I had witness the illness in my little family too, and had stepped away from it to protect my own daughter. Except i had totally turned a blind eye to what was happening and in the end it was too late to save a soul.
The guest speaker spoke of how she had to dig deep into herself to finally be able to break free and save herself, to truelly find out why she had been drawn to living with someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t fight our disease.
I realised that my procrastination was my coping mechanism. That when things have been spinning out of control and i can not stop it, i hide within myself to watch and wait.
I realise that i have become to like being inside my hiding hole and now its time to come out.
I need to put my big girl panties back on as a friend of mine tells me, and get on with life no more hiding, no more waiting and watching.
Living my life how ever it is meant to be. No more worries.
From now on i will be keeping it simple.