When i first had my breakdown, i knew that i was going down a dark tunnel, i knew my exsistance as i had known it was coming to an end.
To try and counteract this feeling of dispare, i gave up smoking, i thought that it would give me something to focus on, it helped only a little bit.
For years i preached peace, harmony and tranquility, but i couldn’t find it within myself. My ego was out of control, i was co dependent on everyone that wasn’t good for me. I looked for other things to fill the void.
I functioned, but only bearly, because i knew i had a responsibility to look after my daughter, to make sure that we had a house, food, bills paid and her eduction looked after.
If i hadn’t had that responsibility i believe my life would have probably ended.
As i battled through, blindly trying to fix myself, i had moments of clarity, that i still hold close and has helped to keep me in check now.
I stopped working in hospitality just before my breakdown. I was disillusioned with where my life was going. I started working in aged care, on the recommendation of a friend.
It was a blessing to be able to help others. It filled the void inside of me. I had found my calling, i was really good at it. It gave me a sense of purpose.
My first moment of clarity that struck me, occured when i was looking after a true gentleman who was battling motor neuron disease. I did two sleep overs a week at his house to give his wife some time to sleep.
One night, he was very restless and i was up and down, every few minutes. He said to me when he was finally comfortable
“you must be getting the shits with me for not being comfortable!” I looked at him and said i take it for granted that i can get into bed, toss and turn myself until i am comfortable.
A lightbulb moment really. I had some of my common sense back, my higher power was starting to show again. A small chip was removed from shoulders.
Now when i go to work or deal with stressful situations, i remember that some people need more patience than others, some people also need more love, and some people just need to be left alone to find their own way, but at the same time i remember i shouldnt take anything for granted, because life never happens the way we plan. And one day i may need someone to get up and down for me, so that i can have a good quality of life.
The more i work on my inner happiness the more i am feeling the chip getting smaller and my old true self coming back.
Peace, harmony and tranquility together with keeping it simple.