When i first had an idea of what recovery was, i embraced it and loved the feeling of not being addicted to alcohol anymore, but then i became addicted to my ego.
I thought i was better than all the other addicts out there, because i had not gone to rehab. I didn’t go to mettings. I still had the full love and support of my family, i stayed home and was a great mother, because i didnt pick up a drink. I had friends and a job. I had everything anyone could ask for.
I thought i was doing all the right things.
Well i was to a point! The only point being that i hadn’t picked up a drink, but my stinking thinking, my co dependent over the top, o.c.d on how to control everything ego was on the loose, and i wasn’t even aware of it, until…………….
BANG!!!! CRASH!!!! BOOM!!!! Holy cow Batman, I hit that wall, which knocked me out.
When i came too, i was back at step 1. My life had become unmanageable.
I hated myself, i was angry, resentful and full of pity, because i couldn’t make my life back into the way it had been.
I pushed, i pulled and i layed down and cried, to no avail, because it was gone.
Gone for good that old way of thinking and as hard as i tried it wouldn’t come back.
I now realise it left for a reason, it left because for once i had to live life on lifes terms and stop trying to control everything around me.
People, places and things!
They were not mine to control. I am only in control of me. I think a lot of my procrastination problem stems from this need or want to go back to my old way of thinking.
My new way of thinking and my new ways of looking at things, are simular, to my old, in the sense of peace, harmony and tranquility, but on a more deeper level.
I am finally learning, to have more faith in my abilities, more faith in my talents. Just more faith in myself, without my ego getting in the way.
Somedays it is a struggle to remember that i am on a new path and the little scared old ego with o.c.d me, rebels against it, but i know i have to throw open my arms and just hand it over.
Let go, let God as i keep hearing the old timers say.