Day 345 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

Until i had my breakdown, food wasn’t even really a thought for me, i was extremely active and ate a balanced diet. I had a killer body too. I had an addiction to coca cola, but i now realise that was the extension of my alcoholism. It was what my alcoholism would become like if i hadn’t stopped when i did. It is a terrifying thought, that in the 20 plus years from when i gave up Alcohol, to when i realised i was drinking cola like i was a drunk person, that i hadn’t recognized my addiction properly.

I am in recovery from most things in life, i am mostly in recovery from myself and my addictive behaviour. It seems surreal that its taken nearly 45 years to realise this, life would have been so more simple if i had discovered that my addictive personality, was not only just my alcoholism, but sugar, bad relationships, (i recently discovered that i had been addicted to narcissist men, it was like a craving i couldn’t resist even though i knew it was bad for me), in my twenties. It wasn’t until i made amends with myself and had become comfortable with being single, that the right bloke came along.

My addictive personality has extended now to food, i found comfort in it, it was easy to do, even though i have guilt, shame and remorse about it. When i had my breakdown, i stopped doing all the things i loved. Rock climbing, yoga all outdoor activities. In the fog of my breakdown, i knew i should be out doing all my favourite things, but i just couldn’t do it and i just kept eating. The fatter i got the more ashamed i became, the less confidence i had. The less confidence i had the more i ate and lied to myself about it all. It was just denial.

I joined a gym when i moved to where i am now, i had tried a few different things to get myself motivated, i attened and only completed one of three 15 k obsitcal challenges. The one being in the summer and the other two being in the snow. ( I am not a big fan of the cold), but i still seemed stuck. The gym didnt seem to be working either, so i quit.

I had a rest, but life seemed to be getting harder and harder, one thing after another kept happening. I started to make small changes, kept thinking i need to go back to the gym. I knew i needed something. One day i was in the local shopping center, when i bumped into my old trainer. Lightbulb moment!!!!!!!! My higher power was talking to me. Then a friend of mine was joining up, so i thought why not. Another Lightbulb moment!!!!

I have joined the 10 week challenge at the gym and while i wont win this time, it has given me the Lightbulb moment, and the kick in the arse i needed to start seeing what i need to do.

Tonight when doing my yoga, i heard the teacher mention that we were realising the stress hormones that build up in our bodies. I have known for a long time that the stress hormones have been at play along with my over eating in causing my weight gain and preventing me from losing weight.

With that insight it has given me hope. I also had a Lightbulb moment again today, that i actually am loving doing all my yoga and Pilates, is it a new addiction?, hopefully at least its healthy and i am aware of my addiction.

I am very spiritual and believe in my higher power and that everything has a meaning hidden in what is happening in our lives. Tonight as i took my picture of yoga experiment, i realised i had purple on and purple featured heavily in my practice tonight.

I googled the meaning when i got home and this is what i came up with,

It also came up with this, it represents me perfectly.

I actually love most colors, i have never been a grey kind of person.

My tasks for today, had been to do some meditation, do some writting and to listen to more of my study.

I didn’t listen to any study, didn’t even think about it till tonight, so it must not have been important for me today.

I am doing a lot of writting right now, and it is realising my creativity, it is making feel motivated and peaceful.

I have made a point of doing meditation today. I was going to make a joke and say that i completed it, by having an extra 30 minutes sleep this morning, but thats not meditation its dreaming.

I arrived 30 minutes early for my yoga class and instead of sitting in the massage chair, i went into the yoga room, set myself up layed down in savasana, which is a pose that means i lay down on my back with my palms up and i concentrate on calming my breathing and my mind. I had brought along my eye pillow to lock out any light, so that i would be better able to concentrate, and i meditated until the teacher arrived.

I feel rejuvenated.

Tomorrow is an extremely busy day. I get to spend a couple of hours with a lady who has survived for the last 102 years. I have no need of Procrastination after visiting her, she is an amazing woman. I have to also do a lot of work in my regular job as well.

So my tasks for tomorrow, will be to.

1. Be kind to myself and others around me.

2. Eat as healthy as i can

3. Drink lots of water.

Happy Thursday. Xxx

Day 346 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

Happy hump day every one.

I love helping others, but i am quickly learning again, to become neutral in other social situations. For most of my adult life, before the breakdown, i was the one everyone come to for advice or to vent and i could stand within a crowd of people who were gossiping and not be effected by it, but i have been effected.

I have always thought of myself as Switzerland during the war, neutral territory. I do not take sides and i dont usually offer an opion, unless asked. I have decided to put up that wall again, just to protect myself, many years ago in my early sobriety, i wrote a story about what it was like to be a sober person living in the world of other’s who are not like me.

In the story i likened my protective shell that i have around me to that of a glass jar. I can see everything, can feel everything, could hear everything, but not anyone else can see my shell. It one of those stories written on paper, before i had a computer or a tablet, or even a mobile phone, to keep it safe and now its lost. A small regret that i do not have it anymore.

My shell has gotten very fragil over the years, but from doing this blog every day it is helping to strengthen my glass shell.

Learning not to Procrastinate is giving me strength, its giving me purpose, its giving me hope.

Task 1. Was to go to the gym, which i am happy to say is nearly every day since i started doing this challenge. I was going walking with a friend today, but she was unwell, and i was lucky enough to get into hot yoga and pilates with my favorite teacher, which is sometimes difficult as its a small class size and usually fills up fast. My higher power looking after me. 😏😁

Task 2. Was to get back into doing my life coaching study. After my two hour, two class session at the gym, i came home, had a shower, some lunch and did my load of towels, before i put my dressing gown on, for a bit extra warmth and headed into my office to do some study. I turned on my computer, it didn’t want to work as usual.( its going to the tip) Instead of getting stroppy about it, i got my tablet and settled in for a couple of hours study. All a bit boring, as its a lecture recorded for me to listen to, her voice is a bit boring, but i am closer to achieving a dream that i have had since my twenties, when i first heard about Tony Robbins and life coaching.

Task 3. Was to make a meal list, i sat down with my fiancee to do the list, and he said he wants to go shopping with me, so we will do that over the weekend. We used to go to the local markets to do our shopping, but as usual life got in the way. Excuses and things.

No more excuses, no more Procrastination.

Tomorrow is meant to be a terrible day. Rain rain and more rain is forecasted. Not always fun, when you are meant to be walking and talking in the morning, working in the afternoon and yoga in the evening.

I will keep my tasks light tomorrow.

1. Listen to more of my study while i am driving. I love technology for somethings. Though i do think we are being over taken and not enjoying life as much as we used to, pre internet.

2. Meditate for half an hour. Recharge and strengthen my glass shell.

3. Try to get some more writting of my story done.

Good night everyone. Xxxx

Day 347 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

Task 1, was to go to spotlight and look at different curtains for my make over of my bedroom. The choice is mind boggling. I have always rented and never really thought about the window dressings.

I chose the first multi color curtain for a joke. My fiancee is terrified that i am going for big bold colors. Its my own twisted way of keeping him guessing. 😁 When really i would like neutral tones, and to add pops of color. I think i have decided to go with blinds. More modern and they take up less room in my not so big room. The big heavy curtains and lace curtains are a thing of old. Well for me at least.

Task 2, was to look at fans and lightning for my going to be transformed room, it was nearly as hard as looking for curtains. And the prices are amazing. I loved this fan, but it was over $400. The pendants would look nice hanging down on either side of the bed. I wonder if i could get it wired up so i can turn them on from the door, but to be able to turn them on and off individually next to the bed as well. Mmmmmmm ideas ideas. 😏

My third task was to doing some of my life coaching study, but i ended up working all day and had to change my Pilates class from the morning to the afternoon. I came home cooked tea, and the fire had been lit and its so lovely and warm in my house that, my couch was more important today.

Tomorrow is a new day and i am not going to be hard on myself about skipping one of my tasks. Sometimes its better to just admit defeat and enjoy my down time.

Tomorrow is a easy day. Time to make up for missing todays task.

Tomorrow i will go walking in the morning, then i will come home sit down and do some of my study.

Task 1. Study

Task 2. Pilates

Task 3. Meal list made up for the fortnight

Hope everyone has had a great day. Xxx

Day 348 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

All day i have been having signs from the universe, telling me that i will be ok. Thank you universe and mother. Xxx

I achieved all my tasks.

1. Was to go to the gym. In the past when my mood has been a bit blue, i have opted to come home, skip the gym and have a nap for the day. I did have a half an hour lay down this afternoon, before going back for some personal training. I figure i must of needed it seeing as i caught myself slightly snoring, at the end of yoga. A little embarrassing. 😴🧘‍♀️, but i am super proud of the fact that i went.

2. Was to confess my sins to my trainer about my binge over the weekend. Lucky for me she is understanding, and i realise that its i who is putting the sugar and junk into my body not my trainer. It is sort of like watching my football team losing. The coach trains everyone to do a great job on Saturday, but when it gets to the day, all the players play like they have never bern coached before.

3. Was to go easy on myself. Doing this is harder than it looks. I am excellent at giving great advice, but suck at applying it to myself. Last week i had a small womens procedure, and i think its really knocked me for a six.

Being aware of what is upseting me, is key to fixing it. I think, that the realisation that i will never have another baby, really hit home. I had hoped to have more than one, but i have left it to late. My hormones are running wild and its making me a little emotional.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have at least one child, get to be a mother. There are so many out there who dont get that chance, but it still feels like i have lost a limb.

My fur babies and when we get to see the grand kids will have to be enough now.

Tomorrow i am having a little sleep in. No work till 12.30.

After Pilates i will complete my first task.

Last week i decided to update our room, so as part of my first task tomorrow it will be to go to spotlight and price some curtains. This i think will brighten up our dull and boring room.

Task 2. Will be to price a new fan and wall lights as well.

Task 3. To complete more of my life coaching course that i put on the back burner due to Procrastination.

Day 349 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

Oh Sunday how i love you. The day of rest, they say. Today we packed up our sad 6 year old granddaughter who didn’t want to go home. We felt the same. It always feels like we just got to our retreat, and sat down. Time goes far to quickly when we are there.

The best part of coming home today was coming home to my 12 year old blue heeler.

I hate leaving him behind, he was my saviour as i was for him. He only comes now and then now. We have to help him in and out of the car, but he loves it when he gets to go in the back of the ute, so he can bark at the cows as we go by. It depends on whats going on, if there is going to be a lot of people or we know there is fireworks, then he stays home and either our nephew or a friend of mine stays with him. I think maybe we will leave the bullpug home and just take my knucklehead, next time. Give him more time with us.

Over the weekend, i have given a lot of thought to my Procrastination and i have had a Lightbulb moment!

My Procrastination has lead to many things in my life, not just my house. My Procrastination has taken away my self confidence. Since my breakdown, i realise i have done more to myself than just procrastination. I have forgotten who i really am.

I admit that my life got out of control, before my breakdown, my self ego and my people pleasing drove me into the ground. I wanted everyone around me to be happy. I thought i was making my self happy, but i really wasn’t. I wasn’t making anyone happy.

I was a stage 5 Klingon. Those who really loved me saw what was happening, but i didn’t. I thought i needed all these things, thought that i had to do all these things by a certain age or time, i was in denial.

So this has to become my mantra, in solving my Procrastination and bringing back my self confidence.

Over the weekend i went on a binge with soft drinks and junk. I felt sick from having two and a half cans of coke, but i still put more into my body like the hopeless addict that i am. I rationalized with myself told myself its only for the weekend, but i know its now put me back at step 1.

My addiction to food, began when i had my breakdown and my Procrastination took over.

So everyday i have to work not only on my Procrastination but to build my self confidence again.

So tomorrow is a new day, and my tasks will be.

Task 1. Go to the gym.

Task 2. Confess my binge to my trainer. Because i have to have an honest program.

Task 3. Dont beat myself up to much. It is life after all, and i am not perfect.

350 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

What a lovely day i have had. Two of my tasks not completed, but seeing the joy of the first time snow experience was far more important.

The sun didn’t want to come out today. Usually when we are up at our retreat, the sun comes through the kitchen onto the outdoor lounge we have, my little bullpug lucky and i love to lay there in the sun out of the wind, but there was no sun this morning.

This is what it usually looks like. This photo taken the last time we were up here. Its so nice and warm. Comfortable, a nice place to read and write my stories.

We had decided to take our granddaughter up into the bush to see the snow instead of spending heaps of money at a ski resort. Give her some adventures to tak about when she is older, or on Monday when shes back at school.

We got to do some 4 x 4 driving as well, somthing we haven’t done in a while, while looking for some snow.

I have traveled some of the world and i still believe i live in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Driving through this red gum, was amazingly beautiful. The photo does not do it justice.

We finally found a tiny patch of snow, but it was enough for excitment.

Lucky it was only the three of us and our dog. It was big enough though for some snowball fights, and using our knee board as a tobogan.

Ella loved it, lucky loved it and we loved seeing them loving it.

As you can see it was really cold, so my over zealous idea of re oiling the counter top and the fence, were not really a good idea. Everything needs to be cleaned and allowed to dry properly before applying the oil, so i will wait till it warms up a bit.

Tomorrow i am not setting myself any tasks. Its Sunday and i am resting.

We head home tomorrow morning and we get ready for another week.

I have no need of the Procrastination list every day, because if i push and push myself then, i will fall in a heap again and i dont want to do that again.

My mental health is very important to me, so i will respect my limitations, but wont allow my self to fall either.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend so far. Xxx

351 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

I started my day at 4 am. Not happy about this, but it is the the way the world goes sometimes. It really was relaxing enjoying the morning peace, before my hectic day.

Four coffees had me pretty wired though. Usually my fourth coffee is not till lunch, not by 7.30am. I zipped through work and out the door by 9 am to get to my 9.30 am Pilates class.

One day i am not going to be shy about asking someone to take my photo, when i am reaching new milestones with my fitness, especially in Pilates.

Once again i have to thank pintrest for providing me with a picture of what i achieved today for the first time. And still sadly thats not me. 😁

There is a little fear, with some of the moves, but i will get there.

My writting this morning was a winge and gratitude list all at the same time. I did publish it here on WordPress, its called Blessings. Sometimes its good just to get out your thoughts and with out a second thought just put it out there.

My last task was to enjoy my time at the our retreat. We have brought our 6 year old granddaughter with us, so we can go up to the snow tomorrow.

I had not quite forgotten, well it had become a little hazy how much a kid takes up your time. I love her to death though. Shes a great kid, even when she was trying to beat me at paws control uno.

The thing i love the most about coming up here is its in the country and you can see all the stars in the sky.

if you look closely there are a few there. I have to practice taking night photos. In real life they were twinkling like mad. A clear crisp night, a perfect winters night.

Tomorrow my tasks will be.

1. Sit in the sun with my dog, and do some writting.

2. Have a snow fight with an excited 6 year old.

3. Clean and re oil the tops of the bences. Maybe even the fence, which i was supposed to do a year ago.

Happy Friday everyone hope you all have a great weekend. Xxx

Blessings

4 AM, i am awake. Bloody Bloody Bloody hell.

Why am i awake, because my trainer thought it would be a great time to text me back, about the question i asked her at 8.30 pm last night. It was a good answer, but one that could have happened at maybe the earliest of 6 am, when i would have actually been awake!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh Sigh Sigh. Now my head is awake, now i am thinking about the day ahead. Now i am thinking about writting. Now i am procrastinating. I think at 5.30 am in the morning, while my dog snores on the couch and my partner snores in our bed, i am allowed a little Procrastination.

I got up and our fire from last night is still going making our house really toasty and warm. My favourite feeling in the winter time.

Most mornings when i wake up, i feel the blessings of day. I say gratitudes for what i have.

I am grateful for the warmth of my fire.

I am grateful that my dogs came inside and didn’t want to play.

I am grateful for the roof over my head.

I am grateful that i am sober and didnt wake up with a hangover.

I am grateful that i do not have to feel the shame and remorse anymore.

I am grateful that i have love in my life.

I am extremely grateful for waking up this morning.

Happy Friday everyone. Xxxx

352 Days of Recovery from Procrastination

Mmmmmmmm i loved this morning. I slept into 8am. Feels like forever since i have been able to do that. 7.30 is usually the limit. I would have slept longer, but i had a lot planned for today.

Thursday’s are usually pretty busy for me. I meet up with a new member who i am mentoring, i have work and yoga as well. I had also booked in for some girl pampering time as well.

I started out with my coffee and my phone on silent, so i could concentrate on my first task and that was at least half an hour of writting. I would have liked more time, but i was meeting my friend for a walk near her place.

Not a bad effort really. It was longer than yesterdays walk. I love walking and talking. It really is one of the greatest ways of getting things done, questions asked and a good connection made. Plus walking off the extra kilos i need to lose. It was the perfect task 2.

I was so engrossed with my conversation, i needed to go straight to work.

Work is not hard, when i can take my car through the car wash, get my client to supervise my vacuuming of the car.

My car is also a place i Procrastinate about. I still need to dust and give the inside of my car a good clean, but it does look better than it did when i went out this morning.

My work day finished at 4.30. I headed off for some pampering, before heading to the gym for some yin yoga.

Thank you Pinterest for once again coming to my rescue. (I wish the girl in the picture was me. Sadly not)

In yin yoga its about stretching and meditation. Tonight we did the main picture along with a lot more. I am so unflexable that my head didnt get any where near the bolster, but hey i was there i was giving it a go.

It is just practice after all.

By the time i got home and had tea, it was after 7.30pm. I went down to my room, looked underneath the bed, and decided it all needs to be done in the day light. So task 3 has been put on hold for today.

Hooray tomorrow is Friday. Sigh sigh sigh. The start of my weekend off. I only have one every second weekend. We are heading off to our retreat, taking our 6 year old granddaughter with us.

My tasks for tomorrow are.

1. Writting

2. Pilates class

3. Chill out and enjoy our first night. (Get to use our new lounge) The old sofa bed is still for sale if anyone wants it!!!!!!!

Hope everyone had a great day. Xxxx

353 Day’s of Recovery from Procrastination

Today i spent a half an hour sitting in the sun, inside my car, enjoying the view and working on my first task, writting more of my story. I love sitting next to a window, feeling the warmth of the sun, when i know its cold outside.

I sort of feel like a cat, or my little dog who is a massive sun bunny. If we can not find her, we will when we look were the sun is. She loves to sun herself.

Olivers hill is becoming one of my favourite places here where i live now. Its calming and relaxing. I am not a massive fan of swimming in the bay, but i do enjoy the beauty of it. I was waiting for a friend to arrive so we could go for a walk along the foreshore, and to have a very deep and meaningful talk, something we haven’t done in awhile, due to work commitments.

Its nice to walk and perge all our worries and thoughts to each other, using each other as sounding boards. Its very cleansing in a way. We walked 3.1 ks in 40 minutes. I could have done another round trip, but we had other things to do separately.

So home again after stopping at the fish shop for some salmon for tea.

My linen cupboard isnt very big, so with my Procrastination i have just thrown things in. The photo on the left is the before and the photo on the right the after. I did throw out a doona cover and matching cases as they were getting pretty old. Some of the hand towels also got ditched and i found the doona cover and cases i had wanted to take up to our retreat.

Organisation, is becoming easier and easier, its also easier to deal with mentally as well. I have always been a very organised woman, well i was until i had my breakdown.

My last task was to tackle the bathroom cupboard as well. Left being before and right being after. The left side is my fiancee and the rest is mine. Why do women need so much stuff. I have so much stuff i dont need to buy anything for at least a year.

My makeup draw is worse, and i dont even wear it that much. It is ridiculous how much money i have spent over the years. I have things in there that i might use one day. I also have a small collection of Avon products, that i absolutely love, but because i can not get it anymore, (Avon pulled out of the Australian market last year.) I don’t want to waste it.

So i think that i need to use everything in the cupboard, before i buy anything else. Save my money. I do have a wedding to help pay for.

Its nice to be able to write now at 1.45 pm instead of 9 pm tonight. Some down time now until i go to the gym for personal training and a pilates class.

I am sharing my part of the couch with my little fur baby. While i am writting.

My lucky girl is like my own personal hot water bottle.

Tomorrow my tasks will be,

1. More writting

2. A long walk

3. Clean up under my bed.

Happy hump day everyone. Xxx