Fear and rejection

Yikes, here we are half way through the year and i haven’t posted anything.

Fear really gets me. All those nagging questions that we ask ourselves, when we embark on this writing journey. Is my writing good enough? Will any body read it? What happens if nobody likes it? Am i going to be pulled up for all my grammar mistakes? Literally i can not remember everything my English teacher taught me. Though i do remember my English teacher’s telling i had talent, but i didn’t believe them, wish i had now.

Rejection really goes hand in hand with that fear factor. I have written a lot of stories over my life and never thought about them being read by others. Even all the lovely comments i got from readers here about my other posts terrified and excited me all at the same time. Fear and rejection again rearing its ugly head. Every day i say to myself just get up and write just a little bit, but most days i find some excuse.

Last week i went to a work shop to help me to better expand my blog, something i had put on hold for awhile while i work on this fear and rejection anxiety, it was a massive eye opener for me to see so many others there in the same place as me. Lightbulb moments were popping in my head like blinding lights.

Fear stepped in when two ladies talked to me about my blog and encouraged me to keep going and all i had really said was that i want to help people in recovery. And not just recovery from addictions but from life as well.

I am in recovery right this minute from my anxiety over being rejected as a writer. I am a great believer in what ever happens happens, but i also realised that procrastinating and allowing fear to rule my life will never get me those writting dreams i always dreamed of.

So finger out of bum, i am getting of the fence and i am facing this fear and rejection on face to face. After all how can i get people to trust and believe in me in me, if i dont trust and believe in myself.

Spirituality

Spirituality is sometimes a confronting word.

What does it mean to you?

For me i believe in a higher power, but i can not quit say GOD!

When i was little, i went to Sunday school, at St Margrates church hall in my little home town. One sunday we went down to the local police station for a meet and greet, we were all horrified when one of the policemen ruffed up the sunday school teacher and threw him in the jail cell. The policeman looked at us and said “that is what happens, if you get into trouble with the law!”, to this day besides a few speeding and parking tickets i have never been in trouble with the police.

I did religious instruction in school and was taught about God and his son. In my family we were not forced to go, we only went if we wanted to.

I never understood the bible, still think some of it is rubbish, but used it to my advantage when i wrote a year 12 A paper on the Anglican female nuns who wanted to become ministers. As i needed a quote from the bible about us all being equals. The minister was very happy to help.

St Margrates church hall was were i found myself one June evening in 2013, waiting for the meeting to open. I sat outside wondering why i was there. I had been sober for 18 years by this stage and thought that i didnt need to go, but my mother had thought it was a good idea, i was struggling with being back in Victoria and she thought i could make friends with new people.

When i entered the hall it was like stepping back into time. I was five years old again. I also knew that my own father had sat in this hall for the same reason i was that night.

I made myself coffee, chattered with the other members, i had a brave shell around me, but i was terrified on the inside. I sat at the table, looked up at the 12 steps and traditions, thought to myself “i dont know if i have to that”, but really i did.

I thought about all the God words up on those banners, and thought i dont believe in God. I now know that everyone grapples with the God word when they come in to the rooms for the first time.

Just the other day, i had a friend say to me that i should change the words of the 12 steps to omit the word God and replace it with higher power, in my posts on my Facebook page. He said it was off putting. I told him that for us all in the beginning its off putting, but why change something that works.

It says a God of our understanding. For the first 18 years of my sobriety my God, my understanding was my parents. I didn’t want to disappoint or shame them again because of my addictive nature.

I think through out the years of white knuckling sobriety, i knew that there were spirits or a higher power watching over me. I could be completely desperate for something good to happen, i would be at my wits end and at the 11th hour my miracle would happen.

My gratitude would be in abundance, but then i would let myself get back to that desperate state again. My instincts were very good too. My gut usually helped guide me in the right direction. Sometimes i would make a mistake, but now i know, it was my higher power at work.

When i had my break down, i knew it had all disappeared and i felt completely lost and extremely empty. Once again my higher power and the universe were teaching me a lesson.

When i sat in St Margrates church hall and listened to the stories of the miracle that was AA, i came to believe that the was a power greater than me at work.

Do i believe its God? I dont know it could be, but then that could be because i was raised as an anglican and thats what i was taught. I have looked at different religious groups and i realise that all though they believe in a different entity, they are all praying for the same thing, PEACE AND HARMONY, for all man kind.

Our disease does not discriminate between people, regardless of their, sex, race, religion or social standing. We are the same. We have been powerless over our addictions and we have found a God or a higher power of our own understanding to help guide us through our recovery.

What ever spiritually is to you, cherish it and nourish it, to help you be where you need to be in this world.

What is recovery?

What is recovery? It’s so many things, that you could recovering from. Life is so full of things that force you to rethink things and to recover from something that has either held you back or down. Something that has broken your heart or your spirit.

Sometimes we seem to recover from one thing only to have to go back to the start again and recover all over again, from something else. It can sometimes be a never ending cycle that we can not seem to break free from.

For me i have and will always be in recovery from my alcoholism. I live in harmony with that part of my life, but i have had to do the 12 steps so many times now and not just for my addiction.

I realise now that everytime i am in recovery from something, i need to 12 step myself again and again. When i was first in early recovery i learnt about the 12 step program, but my youth and ego didnt allow me to really take to much notice. I understood it and thought i only had to do it once. How wrong i was!!!!

For the first 18 years of my recovery, i white knucked it, didn’t attend meetings. I became a marter and a narcissist at the same time. I would fall on my sword to avoid an argument, but i wanted to control everything and everyone around me. I would enter relationships wanting to only please, would manipulate the situation to keep a bad relationship going so that i wouldn’t be alone, it was a never ending cycle that lead me to have a complete mental breakdown.

In my recovery from my breakdown, i threw myself into my work, i did my service work helping the elderly and the disadvantaged, i thought that if i helped others then it would make everything OK! Once again i was wrong. It did help, it gave me perspective about life, but it didnt fill that hole that was large in my soul.

When i came back into the rooms, i layed my heart and soul on the table and started at

Step 1. I admitted that i had become powerless over my life, that i was a mess.

Step 2. I became to believe that my higher power had kicked my butt back into the rooms for a reason.

Step 3. I made peace with my higher power

Step 4. I wrote out an inventory two pages long.

Step 5. I confessed my wrongs to my higher power and my sponsor.

Step 6. Asked for my defects of character to be removed.

Step 7. Humbly asked my higher power to also remove my shortcomings

Step 8. Wrote out a list of all those i had harmed.

Step 9. I made amends with all those on my list and most importantly i made amends with myself.

Step 10. Continued taking inventory and admitting when i was wrong, but learned when it was appropriate to do so, and not when others thought i should.

Step 11. Continued to talk to and have faith in my higher power.

Step 12. Having realized that i needed to do my service work within the rooms picked up a tea towel and listened to speakers and the old timers. Held the hands of those who were in early recovery and continued to work on myself.

When i went through these steps again, i realised that these steps can be used for everything in my life. Heart break, loss, sugar addiction, and anything that i feel is holding me back.

This is what recovery is to me. The freedom to be able to live my life on lifes terms and how to be at peace. The gapping hole in my soul is nearly closed.

Goodbye 2018

Phew i am glad that 2018 is drawing to a close. It has been a year of great saddness, with small touches of happiness. It has been a year that has taught me great strength and shown me that i am stronger than i thought.

My sobriety has been tested to the max this year. If anything was going too make me fall off the wagon then 2018 would have been the year to do it.

Death and mayhem have dominated my life this year, which has shaken me to the core. My heart is so very sore from the tears i have shed, with each passing of a friend or family member. Six people to date have left my life or created a hole where they once where in my heart.

I believe that this year has shown me that, its time for a change. Its time to focus on me and what i need to achieve in my life time. I have had a pretty full life so far, but there is still more to do.

My childhood was spent moving around in Victoria with my family. I have witnessed my parents ugly divorce, followed by my grandmother’s passing. My first mini break down at the age of 14.

I experience the first suicide that still haunts me today. I witnessed my mother being raped and the justice system failing us. I was just only 15.

My alcoholic gene has kicked in by this stage. I was off and running. Down hill quickly. I become a teen mum and kick my drinking habit at the age of twenty.

I become a single mum, move to Queensland and raise my child there with the help and support of friends. I work my butt off to put her through private school.

Always just keeping my head above water. I have learned how to go out in society and to mix with others while they are drinking. I experiment with drugs, always conscious of my addictive personality. They do not help me.

I lived through bad relationships, always hoping to find my Mr right. One after another i am running myself into the ground.

I hit a really hard wall and my spirit is broken. I work on mending myself, it takes me nearly 5 years to find what really helped me to over come my depression.

It wasn’t my really good doctor, who helped me to get counseling, he was not upset when i didnt want to take his prescription drugs. Although his support and understanding was a great help and a turning point.

I traveled to Europe, hoping that one of my dreams that was finally coming true would help me find the peace in my life that craved so very badly. It wasn’t what i expected and it didnt turn out as i had hoped. I would go again, just not with the person i went with before.

I found my salvation inside the meeting rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous. There i learnt how to live life on lifes terms, how to love myself again and how to stand within a storm of life, without it affecting me to much.

It gave me the ability to learn to love fully and to be loved fully. Walking into those rooms and sitting down, taking my painted ears off and putting on my listening ears, gave me the chance to meet Mr right. Has given me the ability to own a house and live in a relationship that i thought was not possible.

These abilities have protected me this year. It has given me strength. It has also given me the strength to support my fiance during these hard times as well. It has taught me to keep my ego in check and to not take things too personally.

I am ready to take what i have learnt in 2018 and to make a difference in 2019. This years struggles are going to be next years triumphs.

Goodbye 2018, i can not thank you for the memories, but i will thank you for showing me what i need to achieve in 2019.